


Fear Casts A Large Shadow

by UlisaBarbic



Category: Dragon Ball
Genre: Battle, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Family, Family Feels, Family Fluff, Father-Son Relationship, Gen, Good Parent Son Goku (Dragon Ball), Hurt/Comfort, Loss, Nightmares, Survivor Guilt, buu saga, post buu saga, son family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-26
Updated: 2020-11-26
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:21:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,263
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27722051
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UlisaBarbic/pseuds/UlisaBarbic
Summary: In the aftermath of the battle with Buu, nightmares are almost guaranteed. It’s just not usually Goku that has them.
Relationships: Chi-Chi/Son Goku (Dragon Ball)
Comments: 8
Kudos: 57





	Fear Casts A Large Shadow

So hot.

Goku was not easily bothered by things like environment. Oh, he disliked being cold as much as anyone else but being hot, cold, wind chapped or anything else was definitely not high on his list of frustrations. Living all your life in the mountains tended to make you pretty open about things like this.

It was different though.

Not hot like normal-hot. Not outside heat hot. This was different. It felt more deliberate, like something was artificially causing the warmth. The fact that there really wasn’t much to see just added to the alienness.

That and the sense that he should not have been alone and yet he was. There was a tingling at the back of his mind, like a reverse deja vu. As if someone was supposed to be by his side and yet they weren’t.

But who it was and where they were and why their absence bothered him so much remained unknown. It was like a gaping wound where the wind would agitate nerves and sensitivity rushed the mind but you could not pinpoint either the cause or location.

All Goku could ascertain was that it was vital, important and that he had to unravel this mystery. It felt as if he would drown in uncertainty if he didn’t. Yet as far as he ran, nothing changed. The landscape remained dark, red and barren. He could hear a faint ringing in his ears, like a distant call he couldn’t settle upon. He reached out with his ki, as wide as he could, as deep as he could but to no avail. 

The missing piece was still missing and the more he ran, the more desperate he felt. Feet on the ground then in the air and all he could feel was the ever growing heat, a sharp tightening on his heart and his lungs and the foreboding sense that he was too little, too late.

Goku came awake with a jolt, sitting upright, breath lodged in his throat. Blinking several times, he looked around, eyes settling on the familiar layout of his bedroom. He felt a sighing behind him and turned. 

ChiChi sat up herself, a low yawn on her lips even as she rubbed her eyes. “Goku? What is it? Did you hear something?” Goku and both their sons had notoriously better hearing and smell than she did but it was unusual for Goku to wake up before he was ready to get up. The man slept like a rock.

There was also an intensity about him that ChiChi felt in her gut. As well trained as she was, she didn’t need ki-sense to feel this; her wife intuition was more than adequate. Goku hadn’t been back home long; it still felt like a dream to wake up and realize her family was complete.

But the confused, downtrodden look painted on her husband’s face was new.

She’d seen her husband through many a trial. Through things most people would get nightmares just thinking about. They’d just grown accustomed to the fact that life was always going to throw them curves, frights and calamity. They adjusted, they endured, they prevailed.

But this look...she could not recall any other time in her life that she’d seen such a look take her husband’s face. Goku’s playful nature was gone and he was pale, sweaty, cold.

As if the very world had been swept out from underneath him. As if the foundations of his life had crumbled away to dust and ruin. As if there was nothing else left worth striving for.

“Goku?”

“...the boys.” He said suddenly, jumping to his feet and rushing down the hall. “I needa see my boys.”

He didn’t wait to hear her response, just trotted down the short hallway, eyes focused. His mind was still traveling a thousand miles an hour and he hadn’t a clue why. Dreams never really bothered him too much though he’d certainly had his fair share over the years. Those made sense though! 

As fever ridden as he’d been during the heart virus, he remembered that dream of losing ChiChi, Gohan and Krillin to the Androids and being powerless to stop it. When Freeza had tried to drown him, all his thoughts could do was wander to ChiChi and Gohan and what that monster would do to them. 

But those visions and dreams had been...well, recognizable. Potential threats. This one had been so abstract and had felt more memory than dream which just unnerved him even more. He hadn’t been able to make out ANYTHING!

The door to the room his two sons shared was slightly ajar and it barely made a noise when he gently pushed it inward. Moonlight and a cool breeze painted over the two relaxed faces on the beds before him. Goten was turned on his side, half clinging to his brother’s arm and Gohan was on his back, breathing light and even.

Goku exhaled himself, feeling a lot of tension leave his shoulders. Just standing there, watching them sleep soothed a reassurance over his heart. Reassurance from what he really couldn’t pinpoint but he accepted the comfort nonetheless.

A soft touch to his arm made him turn.

ChiChi, her robe wrapped tight around her and her long hair pulled into a messy low ponytail, gave him a worried glance, “Goku, what is it?” She spoke low as possible, knowing all too well that her sons’ sharp hearing missed little.

Slowly easing away from the door, Goku huffed. “I dunno, Chi. A feeling, a dream? I dunno.”

Her face warmed and taking his arm in hers, she advised, “C’mon, I’ll make you some ramen and we’ll talk.”

Perking up a bit at that (ChiChi’s ramen would be told in legends long after the earth turned to dust and gas), Goku gave a nod and followed her down to the kitchen. She pulled a chair out with her foot before setting to work with knife and noodle.

Goku took the hint and sat. He just watched her work for several minutes. The monotony of the chopping and boiling water with spices helped to re-center him. By the time she turned around she faced him, the horrific unknown had lost a lot of its bite.

But then, ChiChi had that effect.

“What was the dream about Goku?” Her tone was soft but there was an unspoken command in that voice that the entire family was well accustomed to. A simple “I don’t know” or “nothing” would not be acceptable.

Sighing, he said, “Hard to say, Chi. Was more a feelin’ than anything. I couldn’t make nothing out. It was just this hot place and I was lookin’ for something and it felt like I’d failed by not findin’ it.”

Frowning, she remarked, “Well, maybe it was a hint to talk ‘bout some things on your mind. Sometimes dreams are ‘bout symbols and we hafta find the source ourselves.”

He must have given her a baffled and stunned look which she met with resistance. “What?”

“Didn’t know you were all into dreams, Chi. I mean...like that.”

Smiling sadly, she said, “Nightmares were commonplace for Gohan for years. Me too. I finally decided if we could make it a task of tryin’ to figure out what they meant then it might be less frightenin’”

Head down, Goku remarked, “Sorry I wasn’t here to help you.”

Turning to scoop the now bubbling ramen into a bowl and adding her own collection of extras, the Son Matriach smiled. “Ah, don’t dwell on it, Goku. You’re here, now.” Pressing a warm bowl into his hands, she took on her stern glance once more. “Now eat and let’s try and figure this out. Nightmares ain’t got no right in this house, not for our children or you!”

Knowing better than to argue, he took a bite and lost himself in the taste. ChiChi’s cooking could not be matched by someone either alive or dead. She’d taught him how to cook a few things (breakfast was still more his speciality) but nothing could match her ramen. So, he enjoyed the fact that he had a wife kind enough to make him a large batch at...three in the morning?

Once Goku had made his way partially through the bowl, ChiChi asked, “Is it somethin’ to do with Buu, Goku?”

The Saiyan frowned. “Dunno.” He swallowed, paused before his next bite. “Maybe. Everythin’ else has been amazin’!”

Sitting across from him, ChiChi tapped her nails on the table. “Hasta be then. Think. What happened in the battle that coulda made you feel so uncomfortable? I know you can usually handle anything thrown at you but this battle was different, wasn’t it?”

Considering her words, Goku thought back over the battle. It had certainly been a roller coaster of events and feelings. He wasn’t one to like to be left out of the battle though he had been for quite some time, relegated to the sidelines. Granted, he’d done part of that purposefully because he didn’t think he’d be ABLE to intervene otherwise.

“It was. Wise I could pinpoint how that creates that dream, though.” He admitted.

ChiChi simply nodded. “Was that the first time havin’ a dream like that?”

With a shake of his head, Goku admitted “No. the others are similar though—looking for somethin’, feeling somethin’ and not bein’ able to reach it.” 

Another moment of silence. “Well, how ‘bout the first one? Did’ja have a time in the battle when you felt somethin’ and wasn’t able to go to it?” Pushing her hair behind her ears, Chichi waited for her husband to consider. “And think hard on it, Goku. You might be tryin’ not to consider somethin’. Gohan did that a lot.”

He’d felt a TON of things in the battle that bothered him. Buu was an opponent of different caliber but he had a distinct feeling that it wasn’t Buu’s abilities or power that had anything to do with this sense of uneasiness. It was something else. Something closer to his heart.

When Goten and Trunks went to fight Buu? In a way maybe but no. Goku had nothing but faith in them even if it maybe was a bit overstated—they had been children and it was hardly his first choice of action. 

When there’d been that battle on the Lookout? He’d not been able to feel much, everyone’s ki just...

They’d just...

SHE’D just...

Looking up at his wife suddenly, eyes cool and hurt, Goku replied. “I felt your ki disappear.”

“Huh?” Surprise colored her features.

“I felt your ki disappear.” Looking at her, Goku grabbed her hands, desperately, as a child would cling to the leg of a parent. “Buu killed you, I felt it and I couldn’t come. I didn’t come for you, Chi.”

Eyes warm, her breath hitched. “Goku...”

“I felt ya go. I felt it. I knew it was happenin’ and there wasn’t nothin’ I could do about it!” He released her hands and clutched his own into tight fists. “And I couldn’t react or nothin’ ‘cause then Gohan mighta caught on. Him stayin’ focused was important for us to have a chance and I know he woulda wanted to run off to avenge ya. I know I wanted to and Goten tol’ me that was his drivin’ force in the Time Chamber. So I hadda just sit there and do nothin’. I...it’s my job to protect you, Chi and I didn’t. I couldn’t.”

“Goku.” A hand gently brushed his hair back and she leaned forward. “It was an impossible situation all around. I know you did everythin’ you could have.”

“Wasn’t enough.” He bit his lower lip. “When we got married, I tol’ your Pa that I’d protect you. I ain’t never failed to do that before.”

Eyes firm, she corrected. “And you didn’t this time either. I won’t hear otherwise. Is that what’s botherin’ you? Thinkin’ you failed me?”

It seemed ridiculously clear now.. the dream. The frantic ness, the feeling he had failed to get to somewhere, to someone. “You...and the boys.”

“Well, that’s just silly.” She folded her arms. “Goku, we’re all here ‘cause of you. You saved us! I don’t care what that Mr. Satan did, YOU did that killin’ blow. You and Vegeta and Gohan and the boys...I don’t blame none of you for what happened, you least of all!” Pushing herself up to sit on the table, she looked down at him. “My Goku has never failed me and I won’t be havin’ him thinkin’ that nonsense.”

Smiling despite the ache still settled in his heart, Goku remarked, “Well, I usually don’t get nowhere arguin’ with you.” Occasionally, if it was something he felt passionate on but...he rather liked seeing her fiery eyes and energy just flood her body.

To think of that being extinguished when he might have made a difference...

Grin wide and eyes satisfied, ChiChi folded her arms with a tight nod. “Don’t you forget that either!”

“Don’t think I could if I wanted to.” He meant that but even still as he looked at her—so beautiful despite the messy hair and circles under her eyes—he couldn’t put a stop to the feeling of utter failure. He was used to a sense of failure. After all, failing and growing stronger was how you grew. He’d spent his entire childhood and adulthood all but perfecting it. This one was different though. He’d not just failed himself. He’d failed her and his boys...

“Mom? Thought we weren’t ‘posed to sit on the table.”

The fluttering of a young voice at the door pulled both faces to its source which was a bleary eyed Goten rubbing his eyes with Gohan right at his heels. Both looked like they’d only barely woken but even so, ChiChi shifted right back into Mom-mode.

ChiChi slipped back to the ground. “You’re right, you’re not. But you’re not Mommy, are you?”

Shaking his head back and forth, the tip of this thumb still lodged in his mouth—He was still so young!—Goten remarked, “No...”

“Good. Now that we settled that,” ChiChi added, “What are you two doing up?”

Gohan eyed her with seriousness. “I felt Dad’s ki...”

Goten perked up. “I smelt your ramen, Mom!”

Laughing, Goku let the airiness flow through him. “Can’t blame ‘em on that one, Chi. Your ramen is pretty hard to ignore!”

Heaving a sigh that was far more show than substance, she waved to the table. “Well, sit down. I might have enough left for you two.”

Grinning, Goten bounded forward, plopping himself in Goku’s lap as his brother took the chair to the left. Goten, as was his way, was all smiles, looking up at his father like a curious cat. “Why are you and Mom awake, Daddy?”

Goku considered his answer. Much as he did not want to place this one the shoulders of his children, he had always preached to Gohan about the importance of truth. It was one of the focal points of their home. He hardly had the right to fold on that now, just because it involved him and not them.

“Daddy had trouble sleeping,” he finally settled on as ChiChi brought two steaming bowls to the table, deposited them in front of her two sons before taking a seat herself. Gohan thanked her but his eyes never left his father. Goten all but attacked the ramen bowl and after slurping down the equivalent of three bites in one, he looked up at his father again.

“Do you have nightmares too, Daddy?”

Warming in the face, Goku smiled. “I think everyone does sometimes, squirt.”

Goten nodded, kicking his feet. “Big Brother used to have them a lot. And Mom too. Me sometimes too. But Big Brother and Mom always made it better.”

Goku smiled. “I’m glad they could do that.”

Gohan remarked, still not touching his ramen despite how tempting it was. “Well, I owe that to you, Dad. You and Mom were always good about chasing nightmares away. So...what can WE do?”

Well, that was just like his Gohan, wasn’t it? 

“It’s not so much nightmares, son.” He admitted. “It’s...memories.”

Goten swallowed. “Of the battle?”

“...yes.”

ChiChi reached over and took Goku’s hand. “I know it’s hard to believe but your father gets scared too, Goten.”

“But why?” Nothing but childlike curiosity there. “You won!”

“Doesn’t mean the path isn’t frightening, Goten.” Gohan’s voice was heavy. “I won against Cell. Did that stop my dreams?” 

Considering this, Goten shook his head. “No. You told me that the bad things stick out more.”

“Your brother’s smart.” Goku ruffled the boy’s hair as he had done to Gohan oh so many times. “Battle is about more than winning.”

“Oh.” Again, with nothing but compassion, Goten asked. “So, what’s bugging you ‘bout the battle, Daddy?”

There it was, the simple question. Such a simple question and yet the prospect of answering it felt like it weighed ten tons. “Well...”

Gohan had finally taken a bite of his food, if only to not insult his mother, but he swallowed just as quickly. “Remember what you told me in the Time Chamber, Dad?”

Goku turned to his eldest. Oh, how he’d grown. He was...he was nearly a man. How much he’d missed, if he could have it back...but he remembered that year. Easily one of the best of his life. “I tol’ ya a lot of stuff in the Time Chamber.”

“You did. But when I had dreams like that...about Freeza or Cell or anything else.” Gohan’s eyes misted a bit, both in memory and compassion. “You told me to stop trying to fight it alone. That I didn’t have to fight it alone. But you had to know what my battle was before you could help me.” He reached out, grasped his father’s arm. “That always stuck with me.”

“‘Cause it’s good advice.” ChiChi met her husband’s eyes. “Goku, you came forth with me. Talk to our boys too.”

Goku looked about. His wife, his two boys, his home. He’d missed so much. Now, it was all here, all within reach. 

“Thought you were dead, Gohan.” He finally said. “When I couldn’t feel your ki after our first battle with Buu. That girl of yours was sure you weren’t dead though and I ain’t ever been so glad to be wrong. When I finally heard you were alive, when I felt your ki again...” He gave his eldest a large grin. “Well, I don’t think I’ve been that happy since you were born!”

Slight red colored Gohan’s face but he smiled. “I was glad to see you too...”

“And lettin’ you go fight Buu again was probably the hardest thing I’ve done. ‘Cause I thought that I’d not see you again until you were done with your own life. Thought I’d have to miss all of it.” He reached over, pressed his forehead against his son’s. “Thank Old Kai for that.”

Gohan didn’t respond except to nod slightly. 

Goten asked, “So...is that what bugged you, Daddy? Not knowing if Gohan was alive? I thought he was gone too! That was scary!”

“It was.” Goku admitted. “But it was...more than that.” Suddenly the heat in his dream made so much more sense. The redness, the barren landscape. He tightened his grip on Goten. “I...didn’t save you two when Kid Buu blew up the planet.”

He spoke softly, as if he was afraid to admit it to himself. “I saw you and I was...I wanted to get to you. Mr. Satan and Dende were on the way but they were an afterthought. I wanted to get to you two. But...the blast was too fast and I was too slow and I couldn’t...I didn’t save you.”

Gohan stood, walked behind his father s d embraced him as tightly from behind as he dared. “Dad, that wasn’t your fault.”

Goten spoke up too. “Yeah! I mean, Kid Buu was blowin’ up everything and if you hadn’t gotten Dende then the Dragonballs woulda gone away, right?”

“I should have gone for you two first!” Goku’s declaration trembled. “I should have grabbed you two first!” Just like he should have gone for his wife, he should have gone for them. He should have made sure that he got them first. He should have...

Gohan sighed. “Dad. You can’t control everything in a battle. No matter how much you want to. You taught me that. You couldn’t control who you reached first. You just did what you could.”

“And everyone is okay, now.” Goten smiled. “And Buu’s even a good guy. So it turned out okay!”

“I promised that I’d protect you.” Goku shook his head. “Ever since Gohan was born, my job is to protect you all. And I failed it.” That last image of them...so silent. Still.

Helpless. They were helpless, vulnerable. 

“I should have saved you.” He looked to his wife, to Gohan, to Goten. “I should have saved you.”

No wonder he felt like he was too late. Missing a piece of him. It was true. He’d been missing his family. He’d been too late for his family. All his power and strength and he’d not been able to save what mattered the most. 

The room was quiet. It was quite apparent that Goku took this responsibility to heart and there was not going to be any talking him out of it, no matter what they tried. Just like Gohan and Cell. No matter what he was told, a tiny portion of Gohan would never fully forgive himself. ChiChi and Goten had made progress with him over the years but it still lingered. 

ChiChi looked to her children. They both were still focused on their father, such desperation on their faces. They wanted him to stop the hurting and they did not know how to achieve it. Truthfully, neither did ChiChi. She could be there as best she knew how. She could listen. But how did she make this stop? 

She tightened her grip on his hand. “Oh, Goku.”

Gohan, rather abruptly, hugged his father from behind again and in a soft voice said, “Dad, I forgive you.”

Goku stiffened. “Huh?”

“I forgive you.” Gohan repeated. “I don’t think there’s anything to be forgiven but what matters is what YOU think. And if you think you did some horrible thing, Dad, I say I forgive you.”

Goku took a long inhale. It was such a small thing, such a simple statement and yet it crashed through his guilt like a wave. The pain was still there, the anger and frustration at himself but its grip and power were lost.

Goten immediately perked up, stood up on Goku’s thighs and wrapped his arms around Goku’s neck. “Me too, Daddy. I forgive you.”

Making her way around the table, ChiChi dipped down and kissed her husband lightly on the lips. It was rare for them to do so in front of the children but she felt this was an exception. “I forgive you, Goku. If you think you failed in some horrible way, then know we forgive you.”

Goku was quiet only a moment more then pulled her close with one arm then reached up and returned Gohan’s tight hug with the other while letting Goten cling to him like a monkey. Maybe he didn’t deserve this. He surely felt that he must not have. Yet, he was given it anyway. He was given his life back anyway. He had his home back anyway. He had his family back...whole, safe...anyway.

The bleakness of that dream didn’t seem quite so ominous.

When Goten yawned, Goku gently pulled away. “I really am lucky, ain’t I? To have all you. But better get to bed ‘fore we fall asleep here!”

ChiChi looked at him, “Are you sure you’re—“

Goku met her eyes. “You all forgive me. And you all are the only opinion I care about.”

Goten, hiding another yawn said, “Daddy, we should be your nightmare soldiers tonight!”

Raising a brow, Goku inquired “Nightmare soldiers?”

ChiChi smiled as she moved the dirty dishes away to the sink to tackle in the morning. “Whenever any of us would have bad dreams, we would bunk together.”

Gohan added “More people scares the nightmares off...or gives the dreamer allies, right, Goten?”

The younger boy nodded. “I’ll be Gohan’s sometimes or he’ll be mine or we’ll both be Mom’s.” He gently padded to the ground. “We can be yours tonight, Daddy.”

With a look to his wife, Goku responded “Well, how can I turn down abuncha protectors like that? No dreams will dare come then!”

And with that, it was decided. After some gripping from Goten about having to brush his teeth again and some gathering of additional blankets, the Son Family all took refuge in the master bed. ChiChi and Gohan took it upon themselves to frame Goku in the middle while Goten all but flopped on the man’s chest. While Gohan curled into Goku’s chest and ChiChi spooning his back, they settled amid the dark of the room.

“Feel better?” ChiChi asked amid the soft quiet.

Goku ran his hand over hers as she wrapped herself as tight around him as she could manage, stroked Gohan’s hair with his other hand and giggled a bit at the tiny foot of Goten in his stomach as the boy sought to find a comfortable position. 

“Yeah, I think I’m good.”


End file.
